Never Kissed a Girl
by samipi
Summary: (COMPLETE, 1x2 get-togther) At 25 Heero is a happily career-oriented young man, but Relena, his friend and charge, is deeply concerned about his "needs" and so she takes it upon herself to send Heero on a little vacation where he finds love in an unexpect
1. Chapter 1

Disclaimer: Gundam Wing and its characters belong to Sunrise, Bandai, Sotsu, and probably others I've forgotten to mention. This fic is not for profit, just for fun.

Rating: R (crude language, discussion of sexual situations)  
Genre: fluff, comedy, get together  
Pairings: 12eventually goingsomewhere, 1R friendship  
Spoilers: well, heero, duo, and relena lived through both wars, okay?  
Warning: my quirky sense of humour? my heero is petulant. just to let you know… O oh, and watch out for the friendly relena

beta: trixie

* * *

**NEVER KISSED A GIRL**

Chapter 1

"I have a burning question."

I stopped in my tracks, standing stock-still in the foyer of our third hotel room this week. It was always interesting when Relena Peacecraft prefaced something with that statement. The question that followed was usually completely random. I was constantly surprised by the sheer variety of issues she came up with. I still remember that last time it had been about the nomenclature of chickpeas. But she looked awfully serious today so I didn't think it'd be about legumes.

"Do you, or do you not, masturbate?"

In the ten years that I had been an assassin/terrorist, the five years I'd been a student/trainee and the three years that I'd been a personal bodyguard to the Vice Foreign Minister of the Earth Sphere Unified Nation, I didn't think I'd ever been as surprised as I was at that moment. I honestly thought that my heart had stopped.

"I mean, honestly, Heero," she took off her blazer and threw it carelessly over the chair, "this goodwill tour has you on the job twenty-four hours a day. We're sharing a room, for heaven's sake, not even a suite but a room. And you know, I haven't seen any hint of…" here she paused to make some vague hand gestures as she toed off her pumps and shimmied out of her skirt, "well, 'tension'," she concluded.

I was trying to remember how to breathe.

"Don't you have satisfy your needs? You know, your needs," she said, drawing out the last word.

Of all the questions she'd asked me in the past three years, I think this one took the cake for being the most inappropriate, the most embarrassing, and the one I most wanted to ignore. Yet she pressed on.

"You never take time off. You never--" she stopped to struggle with her pantyhose, "You never shower for more than five minutes, and I know boys are quick to get to the fun, but I don't think you can do that and take care of your hygiene in five minutes…"

I stood, rooted to the floor, still horrified at this one-sided conversation, as she unbuttoned her blouse and tossed it on the ever-growing pile of clothes on the bed.

"So, Heero? Are you okay? Should I be concerned?" she asked, hands on her hips, head cocked to one side.

There was a gorgeous woman standing in front of me, dressed in only a slip, asking me if I jerked off regularly. Nothing in my past experience prepared me for this situation.

"I-- Relena--" I stopped and started several times before I could coordinate my brain and my vocal chords. "I do know what my needs are, and, yes, I do take care of them. There is no cause for concern."

She shrugged and walked over to her suitcase to pull out her pyjamas. They were pink satin with an embroidered crown and monogram over the left breast pocket. I rather liked them and I told her so. She gave me an odd look and asked if I liked pink. It seemed like a loaded question, so I didn't know how to answer her, but I was quite thankful to be off the topic of my penis and its issues.

The truth was that, since leaving adolescence behind, I hadn't thought much about its needs at all. I woke up every morning at 5 a.m., went for a jog, did my thing in the shower, yes, both things (it was indeed entirely possible to accomplish everything in five minutes), and was "on the job" at precisely 6 a.m. when Relena got up. This was my routine and it didn't change, even when we were travelling around the entire Earth Sphere on a "goodwill" tour. I was happy with my routine; it was efficient.

As I was getting into bed though, I had a sudden thought. Sure, I'd mastered my needs, but, to be honest, I wasn't quite sure what my **penis'** needs actually were.

That rankled. Just a bit.

"Heero?" Relena called out softly. "Are you asleep?"

From my own bed, I could see her silhouette against the pale cream walls, softly illuminated by the hotel-provided nightlight. She was lying face up on her pillow, staring at the ceiling, with both hands clasped to her chest. It didn't look comfortable.

"What's the matter?"

There was a significant pause before she spoke again.

"Well," she said, "Don't hurt me, but, I've got a burning question."

I cursed under my breath. I had a sneaking suspicion about this burning question, and I really did not want to go there.

"What do you--"

"Stop talking!" I cried out, burying my face in my pillow.

She fell silent at my rather uncharacteristic outburst, but I could already tell that this was only going to be a brief respite from the horror. She wasn't about to let this go. However, that didn't mean that I was going to encourage her in any way. I resolved to remain silent if at all possible.

Relena flopped around for a while. She tossed and turned, kicked her blankets to the floor, and then hauled them all back up again. She fluffed up her pillows, only to punch them down seconds later. And she kept making these little huff-y noises that I just knew were attempts to get me to broach the subject myself. But I was wise to her games, and so I grit my teeth, squeezed my eyes shut, and did my best to fall asleep as fast as possible.

Alas, _ninmu shippai_, as they say. Complete failure.

"Heero!" she whined. "I'm going to have to ask the question. It's driving me mad!"

"No," I responded with a firm tone, hoping against hope to end this travesty of a conversation.

She threw one of her pillows at me.

"Heero," and I could hear that little princess inside her taking over, "I need my eight hours of sleep and I won't be able to get it until I ask you this question. So unless you want to explain to the Prime Minister of France why I'm such a cranky little bitch tomorrow, you're going to have to hear my burning question!"

I listened as her voice escalated alarmingly.

"Relena--"

"And if you don't want me to yell loud enough to bring your backup in here, you're going to answer it!"

I hated Lecavalier, and she knew it. He was all of two years older than I was and he loved to lord it over me. The cocky bastard was always making as though I wasn't capable of doing my job, talking down to me, teasing me about my height, my build. So even though I was Relena's only official bodyguard, and Lecavalier was a just member of the tour's security detail, he had appointed himself my "backup". Eight years ago I would have shot him for looking at me. Tragic how sometimes I missed the war so much it hurt.

After careful consideration, and the memory of the last time Lecavalier had to "rush in to save my ass," I reluctantly acquiesced to Relena's demands.

"What do you think about when you masturbate?"

Just as I had suspected. Damn, but I hated being right sometimes.

Apparently, my mental anguish was taking too long for her Royal Highness, because I heard her suck in a deep breath in preparation to scream bloody murder.

"Why do you want to know?" I blurted out loudly, desperate to a) avoid the original question, and b) prevent her from carrying out her threat.

She swallowed her scream and paused to think about my question.

I liked how she took her burning questions so seriously. No matter what I said in response she would take it and consider it as if it was advice from the greatest scholar or holiest priest. Even if it wasn't strictly an answer to her question.

Tonight, however, my luck seemed to truly run out.

"That's not an answer to my question, Heero. What do you think about when you masturbate? Do you think about women? Men? Dogs? Do you think about them as your sexual partner? Or is it like you're watching a movie? Do you think about people you know?"

"Well, I--DOGS? What do you mean dogs? You are sick, woman."

I groped around for the pillow she'd tossed at me earlier. Finding it, I leapt across the narrow gap between our beds and summarily attacked her with it. She shrieked with laughter as I pummeled her mercilessly. I brought the pillow down again and again, commanding her to take back any aspersions she'd ever cast on my sexual behaviour.

Unfortunately, she was not intimidated and retaliated with her own pillow counterattack. We battled it out for a few minutes, but it looked as though I had the advantage being that she was still trapped under her blankets. I was in the process of burying her when she suddenly went still.

Concerned that I'd accidentally hurt her, I stopped and dug her out of the bedding, shouting her name as my anxiety increased.

"Shh!" she hissed, an urgent tone colouring her voice. "I think I hear someone coming!"

I was instantly alert. I knew who would be coming if there were a ruckus in this room. Just what I didn't need, Lecavalier! I strained to hear his signature shuffle-step.

Relena chose this moment to surge up, blankets in tow, and tackle me to the bed.

Feh, overpowered by my own charge. I could only pray that Lecavalier wasn't really coming.

Once she had me successfully rolled up like a sausage roll, Relena sat on me and repeated her burning question.

I could see that I was going to have to answer her for real or something truly horrible would happen to me. Most likely involving Lecavalier.

"I don't really think about anything," I muttered into the bedding bundled around me.

She looked quite shocked. "Nothing at all?" she asked, incredulous. "But you have to think of something! Don't you? Won't it… not work?"

I squirmed.

"Come on, Heero, be serious. This is a burning question."

"It works just fine!" I snapped at her.

Looking more than a little hurt, she got off me and sat down heavily on the edge of the bed.

"I'm just curious. You don't have to be mean," she said, looking down at her clasped hands. "I never see you have any fun, y'know? And I can't help but feel just a little bit responsible."

I did my best to sit up, still in the blanket tube, and tried to wiggle/worm my way over to her.

"I'm fine. Honest. Everything works, and I'm happy this way," I said with as much conviction as I could muster.

She was still wringing her hands so I flopped onto her lap to stop the nervous gesture. It was easier to make eye contact from this position too. Bonus.

"I swear, I'm good."

There was a brief pause as she digested this information. Then she gave me a quirky little smile, and tried her hardest to shove me off the bed.

It was a good thing I'd been working out so much lately (nothing to do with Lecavalier, incidentally, nothing whatsoever). The extra muscle mass prevented our lovely little PEACEcraft from making me land on my head.

After a bit of good-natured wrestling, we discovered that I couldn't get out of the blanket cocoon. I was well and truly tangled. Relena could not stop laughing. I was rolled over onto my stomach, my face in the sheets, and she was laughing so hard she couldn't help me. Neither of us was getting enough oxygen, and I thought, wouldn't it be interesting to die like this? What a fun crime scene we'd make.

And if I had been praying that Lecavalier wasn't going to walk in on us earlier, I was ready to sacrifice my first born child now.

Just as I was getting to the blackout point, Relena managed to regain enough of her senses to roll me onto my side. I sucked in great gasps of air and that somehow set Relena off again. You know, if I'd really asphyxiated, she would have been sorry.

As it was, we finally settled down to sleep just as we were. I was still tightly wrapped in her blankets, so Relena curled up close to me, tucking her legs under mine. I patted her awkwardly with my chin and wished her goodnight.

I was starting to drop off when Relena spoke: "Heero--"

"I think about men and women, not dogs; sometimes as my sexual partner, sometimes like watching a movie, and yes, sometimes I think about people I know!" I shouted.

There was an awkward little silence.

"Do you ever think about me?" she asked in a quiet voice, her head tucked under my chin.

"Yes. That dark green dress with the puffy sleeves really turns me on."

Her reaction left me in quite a bit of pain.

"If you keep doing that, Relena, it's not going to work anymore. And then there will be cause for concern, and it will be entirely your fault." I had to force the words past gritted teeth.

She chuckled and commanded me to go to sleep.

* * *

The next morning found both my arms feeling very numb and prickly. Apparently, sleeping in a blanket cocoon was not conducive to blood circulation. Relena was practically under me, shivering slightly. I felt bad about hogging all the blankets, although, if my memory served me, this entire situation had been her fault. Still, I tried to untangle myself with alacrity. If she got sick, I'd never hear the end of it.

Unfortunately I only succeeded in elbowing her in the head.

Needless to say that my morning routine of five years was interrupted for the first time that day.

As we were sitting down to breakfast in the hotel restaurant, the requisite five paparazzi hiding amongst the potted palms, Relena seemed to come to a decision. I could tell by that hard glint in her eye and that particular set to her glossy lips. Something big, and likely newsworthy in a bad way, was going to come out of her mouth.

"You need to take time off," she stated clearly in between bites of fruit. "I am officially relieving you of your duty."

I gawked at her.

"Relena, you can't fire me at breakfast," I spoke softly but firmly, trying not to alert the media. "We have to make plans about who will take over and the entire team's schedule will have to be reworked. Be serious. If this is about last night, my penis certainly does not need time off in order to function."

She sighed a heavy sigh and gave me such a pitying look that I wondered if maybe there really was something tragically wrong with me.

"You can't keep ignoring yourself, Heero. For goodness' sake, I've had more action than you and I'm the Vice Foreign Minister with my own paparazzi contingent," she exclaimed, jerking her thumb in the direction of the potted palm.

It was true though. When she was twenty, and holding the title for her first term, she had a torrid affair with her then bodyguard, Brodeur, leading to his "early retirement," and my subsequent employment. Other than him, however, I didn't think she'd had any more "action" than I'd had, and I told her so.

She waved me off and made some nonsensical comment about her private office.

I didn't get it. No one was allowed inside her private office, not even me.

"Anyway, I'm deeply concerned about your manhood. It's not right that it can be so easily satisfied. I'm taking it upon myself to help you…sow your wild oats."

I gave her a blank stare.

She gave me a Significant Look.

"Please tell me you're not--" I began my protest.

"Oh, but I am, Heero. You're young, you're handsome, and I'm sure you're well-endowed. You need to take advantage of this time while you have it. Your penis will thank you, and I guarantee you will be less uptight, which makes me pretty happy, come to think of it. Less anal-retentiveness is always a good thing," she said.

I speared a ring of pineapple and held it up for her inspection. "I'll show you anal retentive," I retorted, and made a rude gesture with the maraschino cherry garnish.

The bright flash of a camera caught me completely unawares. Shit.

Relena just laughed. "Some bodyguard!" she chortled. "Obviously missing your morning routine has thrown you off. Guess that means Little Heero does have something to say!"

I scowled at her but did not want to discuss my penis' issues further in public.

Relena, heedless of the media presence, barreled on. "I will have Genevieve draw up an itinerary for you. Meanwhile, you'll finish up today and we'll have a team meeting with security tonight after the dinner. You will pass off your duties to Lecavalier, and we'll rework the rotation schedule around that. Then you'll pack and we can have you at the airport by 6 a.m. tomorrow morning, I'm sure of it."

She spoke with such confidence and self-assurance that I just agreed automatically.

"Great," she beamed at me; "Genevieve is really well-traveled. She'll know all the hotspots. Now, you say you're attracted to both men and women?"

TBC


	2. Chapter 2

Disclaimer: Gundam Wing and its characters belong to Sunrise, Bandai, Sotsu, and probably others I've forgotten to mention. This fic is not for profit, just for fun.

Rating: R (crude language, discussion of sexual situations)  
Genre: fluff, comedy, getting together  
Pairings: 1x2  
Spoilers: well, heero, duo, and relena lived through both wars, okay?  
Warning: my quirky sense of humour? stereotyping?  
Notes: comments to reviews at the end of the fic

beta: trixie

* * *

**NEVER KISSED A GIRL  
**Chapter 2

There are days when you hate the media for writing lies about you. And then there are days when you hate them for writing the truth.

After the war, I'd been labeled everything from "violent psychotic" to "poor misguided lamb." My favourite was "suicidal maniac." Until today, though, I'd never thought myself to be any of those things. All it took was one Relena Peacecraft, and now I was absolutely positive that I was definitely suicidal, if not also a complete and utter maniac.

The dinner with the French dignitaries had lasted an unprecedented five hours, not including the cocktail party precursor. This was followed by a ball, of all things, which Relena, thankfully, retired from at a quarter to two in the morning. Then there was a two hour meeting with the security team during which I'd had to defend my honour, my manhood, and my "official height" as listed on my identification papers. I didn't understand why they were being so difficult. I was only trying to ensure that Relena's safety would not be adversely affected by this last minute change up.

If there had been any doubt that I was a maniac, I removed it with a few well-picked phrases from my "List of Things Not to Say in Front of Dignitaries" (as given to be by Relena at the onset of my employment). It got everyone to shut up and agree with me, though. Quite an effective way to end a meeting, if I did say so myself.

What finalized the conclusion that I was suicidal, however, was the fact that I then had a forty minute briefing with Genevieve while Relena packed my luggage, and then both women shoved me on a private jet without telling me my destination.

You know, I'd fought tooth and nail to get this job.

That woman was going to be the death of me.

* * *

My first destination on Relena's "booty call" itinerary, as she called it, was Greece.

Genevieve said that I wasn't ready for French girls. I didn't know what that meant, but I decided to take her word it.

According to the information on my handheld, I was scheduled to arrive in Athens at 2pm. A limousine would be waiting to take me to my hotel where I was to wash up, take a three hour nap, and change into "Outfit #1" (here there was a notation that Relena had clearly labeled my clothes) and immediately proceed to something called a "Supper Club." After that, I was to be picked up by a town car and driven to a nightclub of some sort.

As it turned out, the supper club was a thinly veiled mixer for heterosexual singles. One of the girls Relena knew from high school (the group I playfully referred to as her Ladies in Waiting), was living in Athens now and she liked to hold these dinners for her single friends. Apparently, having met the love of her life while sightseeing at the Temple of Apollo, she now felt the need to "set up" all of her friends so that they could experience similar levels of happiness. Of course, no one could possibly hope to attain her level of happiness; she was the epitome of happy and she never missed an opportunity to remind us of this fact.

Needless to say, I did not find a life partner there. I didn't even find a bed partner. All the men were straight and all the women were more interested in the chocolate buffet than any of the men present.

I could only hope that the nightclub would be different.

When I arrived at the big, black, box of a building, I realized the Genevieve was trying to tell me something. She had given me two completely different experiences to juxtapose against each other. The first was about long term commitment. This second one was about physical pleasure.

Upon entering, loud music and flashing lights assailed my senses, as did the heady aroma of men and sex.

Genevieve had booked me into a homosexual drinking establishment, which actively encouraged intercourse between its patrons, if that sign above the back room was any indication.

Not two steps into the club proper I was accosted by a large man wearing nothing but leather chaps. He looked me up and down, and then he leaned in to speak to me.

"I'm nine inches, cut," he bragged in heavily-accented Standard, leering at me in the process.

And it was at that moment, standing in a gay bar in Athens, that I realized I really was, indeed, completely out of touch with my penis. I didn't even know its measurements. I felt horribly guilty for having neglected it. After all, it had sacrificed so much for me. Those formative years when young boys all over the world were discovering the joys of masturbation and sex, I had been training for and fighting a war. Then there was my incredibly rushed university degree and the intensive process of getting into the Sanq Royal Guard so I could legitimately watch over Relena. Now that I had the job I worked so hard to get, I simply didn't have the time to play with Little Heero. And I suspected that I didn't even know him anymore.

Poor thing.

I looked down and petted my crotch gently, mentally promising it a good heart-to-heart conversation before bed tonight.

Meanwhile, though, I had my own burning question.

Excusing myself from my Greek admirer, I exited the club and pulled out my cell phone.

"Does size matter?" I blurted out, even before Relena could say hello.

* * *

After Athens, I continued my journey eastwards. In Cairo I met beautiful Egyptian girls. In Jerusalem there were equally beautiful Israeli boys. Moscow tossed more men and women at me than I could count. Beijing was overflowing with leggy females. Thailand proved to be filled with gorgeous people of indeterminable gender, and Tokyo, the home of my ancestors, showed me that boys could look damn good wearing eyeliner.

By the time I reached Australia, my penis and I were very well acquainted. We had had many lengthy discussions over the course of my travels. I was now quite knowledgeable about his measurements and how he compared to others. I was also quite aware that he did, indeed, have preferences in the satisfaction of his needs. Actually, I discovered that Little Heero had a lot of preferences. I'd been half way around the world and nothing was appealing to him. Who knew that my penis could be so discriminating? After all, up until a couple weeks ago, he had been content with my right hand. Now that he was given choices, he was suddenly Mr. Picky-Pants. Apparently, it was all or nothing with my penis.

Suffice to say that Sydney did not provide anyone who inspired me to deviate from my tried and true morning routine either.

As I hit North America, I began to despair for my booty-call mission. I had to call Relena.

"I don't know what you want me to do," I complained. "I've been hit on more times than I can count. I've flirted shamelessly with everyone on two legs, and even a couple who were flat on the floor, drunk. But nothing is happening!"

I thought I heard muffled laughter.

"And, dammit, Relena, if you have me on speakerphone I'm going to get back on that plane so I fly over there and kick your ass!"

There was an audible click and I swore, loudly and creatively.

She chuckled as she replied: "Okay, Heero, what's going on?"

"Just what are my mission parameters, Relena? What exactly am I supposed to be doing? And that had better not be Lecavalier that I heard laughing!"

"Relax, Heero, it's just Dorothy Catalonia. You remember her, right?"

Yeah, I remembered her, freakishly aggressive girl who kept stabbing at everyone with a fencing foil.

Not waiting for me to answer aloud, Relena carried on: "Well, your mission parameters are to find and bed as many people as you can. Try to have as much fun as possible."

I thought about it for a moment. I thought about the millions of good-looking, good-natured, available people I'd met so far and I came to a conclusion of sorts.

"I don't think lots of random and anonymous sex partners are my idea of fun."

"Okay, well, then try to find yourself a long-term relationship. Try to find any relationship, Heero. Try to get a life."

I scowled at the phone.

"I can see that, Heero. It's unbecoming and it will give you wrinkles."

"I want to come home and go back to work, Relena." I was whining, but I couldn't help it. I was so tired and frustrated; I almost stamped my foot.

She threatened me with a real dismissal if I returned to work before my allotted vacation time was up. She also asked to me to tell Little Heero to suck it up and just try something new for once.

Why she chose to address my penis directly was beyond my comprehension, and not a little bit embarrassing.

So I hung up and resigned myself to the Americas.

Little Heero did not deign to respond to Relena's comment. At all.

* * *

There was a guy who worked at the Sanq consulate on L1, she said. Colony boys were different, she said. He was perfect for me, she said. Tall, muscular, and very sweet, she said. I'd love him, she said.

"Hello, Heero? I'm Eric Ericsson."

Don't tease him about his name, she said.

Pasting a smile on my face, as best as I knew how, I stepped forward to shake the man's hand. He was indeed tall and muscular; I'd put him at about six feet and at least two hundred and thirty pounds. I felt like a little girl standing next to him. He was also quite sweet, if that's what you called giving another man yellow roses on the first date. Didn't he know that yellow roses meant friendship?

Arg. He'd turned my inner monologue into such a queen.

Which turned out to be ironic, because the date itself was enough to turn a gay man straight, let alone my bi ass.

Eric Ericsson turned out to be anything but sweet. He was incredibly chauvinistic and incredibly sleezy. He took me to a dive of a bar for dinner, and he kept trying to feel me up.

Then he kept trying to make me feel him up.

And if I had thought that his physical size made me feel like a girl, his actions on the date made it quite apparent that he felt I was a girl. He opened doors for me. He pulled out my chair. He ORDERED FOR ME. He dominated the conversation, speaking in his remarkably monotonous voice. He kept telling me what he thought I should or should not do with my life. He kept telling me how he had a great job and that he'd like to "take care of me right." Whatever the hell that meant.

At one point, he even commented on my "figure," snagging half my pasta in the name of "saving my waistline".

You wouldn't treat a real girl like this, would you? Certainly not in this day and age.

When I started ordering my drinks two at a time, he started making remarks about "getting me drunk" accompanied with much eyebrow waggling.

I wondered just what Relena had told Eric about this date.

But really, I could have dealt with all of this if only the man wasn't so incredibly boring. He had such a limited repertoire of sentences and phrases. He would repeat himself every five minutes. It was like listening to the world's shortest and worst-selling record on repeat.

In the end, Little Heero was definitely Not Impressed.

The evening wasn't a total loss, however, and I had one bright thing to tell Relena when I called her from my hotel room. (Yes, mine, not Eric's).

"Hey," I said, as soon as she picked up the phone. "Do you remember Duo Maxwell?"

"Duo Maxwell?"

I could hear almost hear her brain working. That little diplomat inside her was furiously rifling through her filing cabinet looking up the stats to go with the name. She made a living on being able to recall faces and names at the drop of a hat.

"You remember that blue dress you wore for your sixteenth birthday party? The one with the short sleeves and the bow at the hip?"

We'd been friends long enough for me to know how to jog her memory. When she confirmed her recollection of the dress, I continued.

"He's that other Gundam pilot, the one who shot me on the pier that night."

"Oh! That's right! He's the one with long hair and likes to wear black. I remember now. What about him?" she asked, and I could hear her curiosity.

"I ran into him at the restaurant today," I said, trying to sound nonchalant, "oh, and by the way, Eric Ericsson? Bad date. Bad, bad date."

She chuckled. "You didn't tease him about his name, did you? I told you he's really sensitive about that!"

I vehemently denied teasing the big dull dullard. "Apparently, it's not just his name that's repetitive," I explained.

She sympathized with me for a while before gently nudging the conversation back to my old war buddy.

"So what's this you were saying about running into Duo?" she asked, interrupting my impression of Mr. Repetition's repetitive speech patterns.

"See, even you wouldn't have been able to stand Eric," I couldn't let it go without one last comment. "But anyway, I was contemplating suicide by martini when some guy got up on the bar and started to make a scene. Duo helped the waiters talk him down. We're having lunch tomorrow."

I could almost hear Relena shaking her head.

"You lack some of the finer points in the art of anecdotes, Heero," she said with a chuckle. "So that's what you wanted to tell me? That you have a date with Duo Maxwell tomorrow?"

"It's not a date," I protested. "This has nothing to do with the penis vacation."

"Sure thing," Relena agreed quickly.

A little too quickly.

Curiosity piqued, I asked: "Are you… Am I interrupting something? You seem like you really want to get off the phone."

She muttered something about private offices and…privates?

I really wanted to see that office.

* * *

Lunch with Duo turned out to be one of the strangest things I'd ever experienced. And this included the time in Ottawa with Relena, four bottles of wine, and a whole roast turkey.

Duo told me he was on L1 working as a freelance security consultant. It made sense to me, seeing as 15-year-old Duo could break into any building. I could only imagine what grown-up Duo could do. He must have been good at what he did, though, because he was dressed very nicely in deliberately faded jeans and a sweater I knew cost two hundred credits.

I knew this because I was wearing a very similar sweater.

So we showed up wearing matching outfits, but that wasn't the strange part.

We both ordered sandwiches, I had tuna and he had a turkey club. When our food arrived, Duo asked if I wanted to share. I'd never "shared" my food with another guy before. Not in a public restaurant, anyway. It seemed a little intimate.

Okay, it seemed a little girly.

But for some reason, when Duo asked, I simply picked up half my sandwich and plopped it on his plate. He grinned at me and returned the favour. I stole a few of his fries. He speared a few forkfuls of my salad. We both ordered coffee after the meal.

Still, this wasn't the strange part.

The strange part, the really, really weird part, that made this more perplexing than that 10lb turkey in Ottawa was the fact that I did most of the talking during lunch. It was almost like I was performing a monologue. I'd always thought of Duo as the talkative one, but today, between sitting down and paying the bill, I'd managed to spill my entire life story up to and INCLUDING THE PENIS VACATION.

Apparently I was lacking some intrinsic filter between my brain and my mouth.

Knowing that little sticky-fingered Duo, he probably stole it.

He had laughed when I inadvertently blurted out my frustrations with the wild goose chase Relena had sent me on, but somehow I knew he was laughing with me and not at me.

I remembered liking that about Duo. Back during the war when I was so gawky and awkward, Duo had always made me feel comfortable.

He was surprising like that.

I was glad to see this attribute remain in the man he had become.

It was odd hanging out with someone I hadn't seen since I was seventeen. There were so many years between us; it should have made a difference. Yet there we were, sitting in a café so easily, like we'd been friends since childhood.

I wondered if Relena would be satisfied if I came back with a "friendship" from this mission that she'd given me. After all, a friendship was still a relationship of some sort, right?

I voiced this thought to Duo, who pointed out, in no uncertain terms, that Relena had granted this vacation to Little Heero and that coming back with a "friendship" really didn't help Little Heero at all.

I pointed out that Little Heero would probably be happier coming home from vacation with a new friend rather than a severe case of latex chafing.

We both stared at my crotch for a minute.

That was when he offered to join me on my tour through the colonies.

I didn't know what to think, so I told him I'd see him tomorrow and went back to my hotel to call Relena.

I told her that Duo had expressed an interest in traveling with me on the remainder of my vacation. She asked if he knew about my covert mission and I told her yes. I also said that I'd considered his impact on the mission and judged it to be beneficial. After all, Duo was a people magnet. People were drawn to him like flies to honey. Having Duo around would definitely be an asset to my ass-hunt. Relena, however, had reservations about my logic. She asked me about Duo's sexual orientation. I didn't know the answer, but neither did I deem it pertinent.

I told her so.

I thought I heard her laughing at me.

Relena did not have Duo's way of laughing with me rather than at me.

It was disconcerting.

TBC

* * *

AUTHOR'S NOTES:

**KochiYami:** thanks for the review! i wanted to try writing a fun and cutie relena without making her annoying or a mary sue. i'm glad you like her.

**Rude:** well, duo might not be on her list, but he's going to work his into the picture like duo always works his way into heero's life O

**stylishkiller: **thanks for the comments! updates should be pretty regular as the fic is completed, just pending some minor tweaking. ;; i looove fluff glad you're enjoying it and finding it refreshing rather than cliche v

**Allonym:** i'm really happy you like my characterizations i was really concerned that it might turn out to be too OOC. ;;; and sadly, no, that pic will not come back unless i draw it for funs... O;;


	3. Chapter 3

Disclaimer: Gundam Wing and its characters belong to Sunrise, Bandai, Sotsu, and probably others I've forgotten to mention. This fic is not for profit, just for fun.

Rating: R (crude language, discussion of sexual situations)  
Genre: fluff, comedy, getting together  
Pairings: 1x2  
Spoilers: well, heero, duo, and relena lived through both wars, okay?  
Warning: um… a little morbid humour… a lot of cheese.:D oh and a little improbability.  
Notes: thank yous at the end

beta: trixie

* * *

**NEVER KISSED A GIRL  
**Chapter 3

I met Duo in the lobby of my hotel at six the next morning. He was surprisingly prompt. I had no idea where I got the notion that he liked to sleep in. It would seem that I was wrong.

"Yo, Heero," he said, by way of greeting, slinging an arm around my shoulders in a manly, hug-type-thing.

Then he promptly dropped his head to my shoulder and feigned sleep. Complete with loud, obnoxious snores.

I tried to pick him up and dump him in the fountain.

Damn boy gained a lot of muscle mass and height in the intervening eight years.

The most I managed to do was knock him over onto one of the plush, vibrantly floral couches next to the fountain.

There was some boyish tussling before we were curtly escorted off the premises by security. I was given a stern warning and made to promise I would return in a more orderly manner or not at all.

"You are always getting me in trouble, Duo Maxwell," I said as I sulked quietly in my little corner of the hotel driveway.

He laughed and replied: "Oh yes, saving your sorry ass from an Alliance naval hospital. That's getting you in trouble."

"Throwing me out of a 40 story window, Maxwell!"

"Hey, I gave you a parachute," was his response.

This, of course, led to more playful pushing and shoving.

I stopped it just short of an all out brawl.

Both completely out of breath, we came to the mutual conclusion that we needed to sit down as soon as possible. It would appear that we were no longer as young as we had thought.

He teased me mercilessly about being old and out of shape. I almost started something again, but at the crucial moment (before my fist hit his face) we happened by a cozy little café advertising breakfast for $1.99. Never one to pass up a bargain, Duo grabbed me by the wrist and dragged me inside.

We seated ourselves at a stability-challenged table and waited for our waitress.

Duo took this "down time" to ask me about The Vacation.

"So what did you decide, Heero? Can I join you on your Journey of Love?" he asked, drawing out the last word in a ridiculous manner.

I tried to kick him, but got the leg of the table instead.

The next few minutes were occupied with us trying to right the table again. In the end, Duo got down under it and fiddled about for a minute, re-emerging with a triumphant grin.

The table was perfectly balanced.

I arched an eyebrow at him, a move I'd practiced long and hard in front of a mirror after seeing it in a movie with Relena.

He tried to imitate it but succeeded only in grossly contorting his facial features.

The waitress arrived, giving us our menus and a Look that clearly stated her less-than-stellar opinions of us. But, judging from her lack of verbal admonition, I'd say she must have gotten some real characters in here at six am. Even Duo couldn't pry a reaction out of her.

We placed our orders and returned, reluctantly on my part, to the topic of the "Getting Laid Parade" as Duo now termed it.

"So can I come?"

He was oddly eager and, quite frankly, it was creeping me out.

I countered with a question of my own: "Don't you have work or something?"

"I'm a consultant, Heero, no health benefits, but great pay and self-dictated hours, baby!" He leaned his elbows on the now-sturdy table and looked me right in the eye. "Let me help you get your rocks off."

The slamming down of two coffee cups between us signaled the return of our waitress and her "cheery" mood.

"I don't want you boys talking 'business' in here," she growled. "It may be early morning, but this is a family establishment in a nice part of town. We don't turn away paying customers, but you keep your 'wares' to yourself."

I had no idea what my face was doing, but Duo's looked like it was going to blow. His cheeks were puffed out from trying to hold in his laughter and he was red from collarbone to hairline.

I tried to mumble some apology or excuse…or something, but the woman had stalked off.

We literally shoveled down our breakfasts, tossed a handful of bills by the register, and ran out the door. I didn't think I'd ever been so embarrassed in my life. Duo, however, seemed to revel in being called a prostitute. He flung his arms around me and kept trying to get a hand up my shirt or down my pants. He also kept propositioning me, loudly and explicitly, whenever he saw someone within hearing distance.

After a spectacular display of lewd behaviour in front of a place of worship, I mustered all my strength and managed to hoist the laughing idiot over my shoulder in a fireman's carry. I carried him over to a garbage bin and threatened to throw him in if he didn't give it up. It took a bit of convincing, but Duo finally agreed.

Then I dropped him on his ass.

"I think you broke my butt," he said, as he got to his feet, rubbing his abused derriere. He turned his back to me and continued speaking: "Kiss it and make it better?"

"Bend over," I replied, trying to maintain a completely innocuous expression.

That got him started on another round of giggles. Men should not "giggle" but for lack of a better word, that was what he did. For a significantly longer period than the situation warranted too.

"It wasn't that funny," I said as I led him out of the alley.

He was leaning on me, looking for all the world like he was having some kind of seizure, as we stumbled out into the watery "daylight" of the colony.

"Oh, but it was, Heero. You have no idea how funny," he managed to say between chuckles.

I shrugged and let it go. I had resigned myself, nine years ago, to never understanding Duo's sense of humour. There was always something behind that twinkle in his eye, but I was sure I would never get it. The boy had been hard to fathom, the man, it seemed, would be impossible.

We were meandering back towards the hotel when I suddenly remembered my promise to the security guard. It didn't seem like Duo was going to "sober up" anytime soon so I steered us towards the embassy district. Shops and street vendors on Rue L'internationale (the only street with a French name in all of L1) were open pretty much twenty-four hours a day for the embassy staff who had to live by the hours of their country/colony of origin. It was pretty colourful place and I remembered liking it when I was a kid here.

I also remembered doing a lot "work" there.

Suffice to say I knew every rooftop, fence, bush, hedge, rock, decorative plaque, obelisk, statue, and sign for a three mile radius. The sewage, drainage, and water systems? A five mile radius.

It wasn't something I was proud of, but it was something that I did.

"Hey, Heero? What's this?" Duo was scuffing his toe at a faintly discoloured patch on the sidewalk in front of the L4 embassy. "Spatter? It almost looks like—"

"Ambassador Adri Keer."

Duo gave me a sidelong look, which I returned with an equally neutral expression.

"Good times," he finally said.

"Want the tour?"

Oh look, he finally managed to master the art of raising one eyebrow.

"You're shitting me, right?"

"Apparently colonies weren't made for easy cleaning," I pointed to a splotch on the roadway, a few feet from where we were standing. "Keer's bodyguard."

Duo chuckled.

Suddenly I was taken back to an earlier time, the two of us running through a seemingly endless white corridor, bullets flying all around us, and Duo laughing. There was a dark edge to it, but somehow I felt that this was Duo's genuine laugh. Duo was morbid little bastard. He was a fun guy to be sure, but sometimes he walked just a little over the line of scandalous. This deep, almost creepy, laughter of his was really, I suspected, the laugh of true delight.

So we whiled a way a couple hours, wandering up and down the main thoroughfares and winding through the alleys between the various embassies. I pointed out all of my handiwork, some of which had left indelible traces on the colony infrastructure, some of which had been effectively cleaned or covered up. Duo rather enjoyed my tales of "valour". He snickered when I told him about walking right into the Canadian embassy, unchallenged, pistol tucked safely inside a stuffed rabbit. He laughed outright at the time I'd fallen asleep during a rooftop stakeout, only to wake up with a jolt and roll off the ledge, landing on the diplomat I was supposed to kill. Lucky for me, I was apparently a heavy kid, because I broke his neck.

All in all, Duo was thoroughly entertained by our grisly tour of L1.

In fact, when we were done with the embassy district, he all but begged to know if I'd killed anyone else in the vicinity. I rolled my eyes and informed him that he was not supposed to glean such joy and amusement from the tales of my misspent and traumatic youth. He replied that it made for a hell of a better anecdote than his "on Friday, I was so hungry, I thought I was going to die; but then on Saturday, I realized I was still alive and even hungrier."

I couldn't really argue with that.

"God, we're so fucked up," he said with a wide grin, throwing one arm across my shoulders. "Do you ever tell your dates these stories?"

I shook my head vehemently. "Relena forbade me. She said that while she found it endearing, most people would find it freaky."

He gave me an awkward pat on the head and a little squeeze of a hug. "I find it endearing," he said.

"Want to see where I almost blew a hole in the colony wall with a grenade launcher?" I asked, beaming at him.

He laughed and begged me to lead on.

It really shouldn't have been this funny. I knew that. Killing people was wrong and it had always weighed heavily on my conscience. Yet somehow, with Duo, everything seemed to take on a wry, comical twist. My stories were no longer sad, sombre things full of regret and despair. Instead, they became droll anecdotes full of lucky chance, coincidence, and wit. I found myself blathering on and on at him, barely allowing him a word in edgewise. I was horribly embarrassed by the way I was running off at the mouth, but I couldn't seem to stop myself.

That damn boy seriously had some magical effect on those filters in my brain.

As we walked past a grassy knoll, which I knew had once been a residential apartment building, Duo stopped to smell the flowers, as it were.

"Have you ever rolled down a hill, before, Heero?" he asked, a strange gleam in his eye. He probably had never seen such a large park on a colony before.

Of course, this park hadn't always been this large.

"Once, when I was a kid here," I replied, nodding at the hill before us.

But some memories were better left untouched. There was no spin that could make this one amusing.

"Was it fun?"

"I just got dizzy and disoriented."

Duo looked at me.

"But was it fun?"

"I think I remember spraining my wrist."

He nodded.

"I thought so. If it makes you feel better, I got this wicked grass burn on my face last year when I tried it here."

I could not stop the grin I feel forming.

"Don't laugh!" he cried. "It really hurt, and I think I'm scarred for life!"

He turned the abused cheek towards me and I made a show of examining it minutely for any scarring.

"It looks fine to me," I said in conclusion.

"I was talking about my new phobia of grass."

I hit him.

Laughing, he shoved me away and took off running up the small hill. I gave chase, but let him win the impromptu race. I remember playing one-on-one with him during the war. I'd checked him pretty hard and instead of getting mad at me he'd asked if I liked winning more than playing the game. I think I quoted that old adage: "if it's not about winning, then why do they keep score?" Little, skinny, fifteen-year-old Duo had cocked head at me and asked me what the score was.

Funny thing, I hadn't been able to say.

Largely because at the time I hadn't quite known how the scoring in one-on-one basketball worked. I'd never played before then.

Still whooped his ass though, I'd bet.

When I reached the top of the hill, Duo greeted me with a question: "You want to run down?"

I shook my head and plopped down in the surprisingly lush green grass.

"Isn't this great?" he remarked, running his fingers through the thick turf, braiding the little blades together. "It's funny how some things are better having been grown in a colony environment, huh, Heero?"

My gaze traveled up from the grass between his long fingers, lingered on his sinewy, muscled arms, and met his sly expression, smirk for smirk.

"Like us?" I replied.

He grinned at me, a surprisingly open, full wattage, light up the entire colony, type of grin.

"So who understands you better than me, hm?" he asked.

I stared at him blankly.

"What do you think about when you masturbate, Heero?"

I nearly fell over.

What the hell was up with that question? Why was everyone so curious about my sexual habits? Was there something suspicious about me?

I rattled off my answer like it was rote: "Men, women, not dogs--"

"Dogs? Ew, Heero, that's disgusting! Why the hell would you think of dogs while you jerk off?"

I suddenly couldn't remember how the topic of dogs and masturbation got linked together in my mind.

"I'm sorry I asked!" he exclaimed and stood up with a loud huff. "Just for that, I'm not going to explain the birds and the bees to you!"

And then I'd be damned but he rolled down the hill.

TBC

* * *

AUTHOR'S NOTES:

**Silver Cateyes  
**thanks for liking the fic and finding it funny! sadly, though, I don't think anyone will ever know what goes on in Relena's Private Office. O;;;

**stylishkiller  
**I'm glad you think this is not cliché! yay!! and… yesh, let's all hope that heero doesn't stay oblivious forever lol!

**KochiYami  
**thanks! I'm really happy you're liking the fic!

**Rude  
**haha "quirky" is the word of the day!  
and yes… several people have told me this chapter is a little rushed. it's because I wrote it as one whole document and then split it into chapters, so it fits better into the flow if you look at it that way… hopefully?really, I just wanted to move it along to duo. sorry!

**JAC  
**"Mr. Picky Pants" heehee well Little Heero has Standards, dontchaknow? :)and yes, this chapter was a bit rushed because I was afraid it was lagging. (see my reply to Rude above). but I'm glad you liked the chapter, regardless :DD

**Rebriwien  
**thanks for liking and taking the time to comment!

**Wolf Girl  
**haha yes, it looks frighteningly like a 1xR at the beginning, but I'm a yaoi girl at heart! no fears! I'm glad you like my heero I think he's cute when he's oddly confuzzled.


	4. Chapter 4

Disclaimer: Gundam Wing and its characters belong to Sunrise, Bandai, Sotsu, and probably others I've forgotten to mention. This fic is not for profit, just for fun.

Rating: R (crude language, discussion of sexual situations)  
Genre: fluff, comedy, getting together  
Pairings: 1 plus 2 hates the 'plus' sign for some reason, so no lemons here, sorry if I was misleading!)  
Spoilers: well, heero, duo, and relena lived through both wars, okay? ;)  
Warning: hmm... bad dates, political incorrectness... i think that's it!  
Notes: thank yous at the bottom!

beta: trixie

* * *

**NEVER KISSED A GIRL  
**Chapter 4

I called Relena from the C2C Shuttle.

"I got the updated itinerary on my organizer, and I just wanted to clarify something. You've got me sharing a hotel room with Duo?"

"Yes. Is that all?"

"But wait," I spoke in a hurry lest she thought our conversation was over (I suspected she was in the Private Office again), "how am I supposed to get laid if Duo is with me?"

There was a slight pause and I heard a "click".

Dammit! She had me on speaker again!

"You were the one who said that Duo wasn't going to hinder your 'mission', Heero. And weren't you also the one who said you didn't want random anonymous sex? What are you doing trying to invite people back to your hotel room?"

She had me there.

I had said that didn't want random anonymous sex. But at the same time, the whole point of this escapade was to get sex, right? This was all very contradictory.

"Heero, I can hear the cogs in your head grinding to a halt. Your brain wants one thing, your dick wants another. Look, I have faith that if Little Heero finds something he likes, you'll work it out. Don't worry about Duo. Talk to him, he'll help you. If nothing else, just hang a sock on the doorknob. Duo will get it. Or use your imagination, try public sex."

I took the phone away from my ear and stared at it. Did Relena Peacecraft just tell me to engage in illegal indecent exposure?

"Um…" I replied.

"Just, stop thinking so hard. Go out, have a good time. I know you want to."

"Um…"

"And don't forget you and Duo have a double date tonight when you arrive on L2."

"UM!"

"Set up will be the same as always! Love you lots, Heero. Kiss, kiss. Bye!"

And then she hung up.

That girl was getting ruder and ruder. Etiquette classes, my ass.

Duo grabbed the phone out of my hand before I could throw it down the length of the cabin.

"What does she mean when she says 'set up will be the same as always'?" he asked, drawing me out of my frustrated thoughts.

"Uh…"

I loved how articulate I was being.

But I really didn't want to tell Duo that Relena had been setting me up with the horniest people in the Earth Sphere…some of whom I'd have sworn were "Professionals".

I also didn't want to tell him that I had Outfits, all picked out and carefully labeled for each date. Because I knew he was going to ask to see them. And I knew that really I didn't want to show him the Rhinestone Cowboy outfit I'd had to wear in Texas.

"Has Relena been choosing all your dates?"

He looked…I couldn't decipher his expression.

"Not all of them. Sometimes she sends me to clubs." He started laughing then.

"Clubs with Back Rooms?" he asked, snorting with laughter.

At my nod, he doubled over. He was rolling in his seat, he was laughing so hard.

"Oh. My. God," he gasped out. "She's not trying to help Little Heero, she's trying to give him a disease!"

I scowled at him. Relena wasn't like that! She was a very nice girl. My best friend. She wouldn't be doing anything that was bad for my penis.

Then again, said that little voice in the back of my mind, she was setting me up on a tour of promiscuity. Not exactly the most moral of all endeavours.

"I'm sorry," he said, eyes still twinkling with mirth. "I'm sure she means well, but oh my God. I can't believe she sent you to those places! I can only imagine the type of people she's been setting you up with for your one-on-one dates."

I couldn't argue with him. I really hadn't been thrilled with the selection Relena had offered me thus far.

He managed to calm his chuckles enough to look me straight in the eye and ask: "So what do you think about when you masturbate, Heero?"

I stared at him.

"I just wanna know if I'm going out with a girl or a boy tonight, that's all."

"What makes you think Relena will assume we have the same taste?"

He pondered that for a moment.

"I'm not into dogs, if that's what you're implying."

I rolled my eyes.

"Would you lay off?" I asked, shoving him away from me.

"Seriously, Heero, I want to know," he whined.

"I thought you said you knew me best, Maxwell. Why don't you tell me what I think about when I masturbate?"

He squinted at me, leaned closer, then closer still. He looked at my eyebrows, my nose, my left ear, my chin, the corner of my mouth. Then he sat back with quite the smug expression on his face.

"You're bi, an equal opportunity lover, you don't believe in labels or limits, et cetera, et cetera," Duo concluded.

I was genuinely surprised that he'd guessed. I didn't think I had it written on my forehead. Then again, it's not like he looked at my forehead anyway. Nose…eyebrows…chin… It must have been written on my ear. I vowed to look in a mirror once we landed.

He chortled with glee at having caught me out.

"Okay, wise-guy, what's the gender of your preferred orgasm inducer?" I asked him, trying not to sound belligerent or defensive.

He flashed me the smarmiest grin I'd ever seen on him.

"I just like orgasms, baby. Man or woman, if you can give 'em to me, I'm in love."

I hit him.

* * *

"Heero…" Duo whispered in my ear, tugging urgently on my sleeve. 

"Shh! I know," I whispered back, while trying to maintain a tightlipped smile.

It appeared that Relena wanted to give us a selection, but a selection of what, I was not altogether sure. The two people waiting in the lobby, presumably for us, were both of indeterminate gender. So much so that I actually hoped my presumption was wrong. While I wasn't one to focus on looks, I did like to know if I was dating a man or a woman. Maybe Relena thought that because I was bi, I wouldn't mind someone who was "inbetween-y"? I just hoped that they weren't "inbetween-y" ... in between… there.

"Heero Yuy?" The taller of the two stepped forward to shake my hand. "I'm Aaron Myer, this is my sister Erin. We're your dates for tonight."

I tried to keep a friendly smile on my face, but I was sure I was failing. I was so confused: who gave their children the same name? Even if they were spelled differently, and I was sure that the girl spelling was different from the biblical spelling, wouldn't it have been confusing when only one of them got in trouble? On the other hand, I suppose it came in handy when calling the kids for dinner.

While I was pondering which social nicety to apply to this situation, Duo stepped up to save me from accidentally speaking my mind.

"So where are we going tonight?"

Relena had given me a white button-up shirt and khakis: hardly indicative of our scripted destination. On the other hand, she had written careful instructions on how to "casually roll up the sleeves" so I didn't think the place would be too formal. I was wearing sandals too, L2 being on its summer cycle.

"Miss Peacecraft arranged for us to go on an outdoor picnic. There's a symphonic orchestra playing at Memorial Park and she thought it would be nice for you two to have a chance to stretch your legs after having been cooped up in a shuttle all day."

Duo nodded and motioned for me to follow him as he led our merry group outside.

"I went to watch them last summer. It was nice."

I could tell that he wasn't enthused. Duo had many, many smiles, and each smile changed his tone of voice. I always liked the battle one best, but that may have been a perversion of mine, I wouldn't know. What I did know, however, was that most people liked the one he was using now. It was a nice smile, don't get me wrong. It was wide and showed lots of teeth, it even made his eyes shine, but it didn't make his voice deepen and take on this rich--I'd like to use the word 'lush'--tone that made you smile too just from hearing him speak your name. The smile he was using now was the same smile he'd had when I'd showed him I could set my own leg.

When I slid into the backseat of the taxi, I was surprised to suddenly feel the female (slightly) Myer press up against my left side. Apparently, she was to be my date. I didn't know what to say, so I smiled awkwardly and resigned myself to sitting in silence. Erin didn't seem to mind, though. She actually didn't even say 'hi'. She just curled herself around me and then started talking to her brother, who was sitting in the front passenger seat.

Duo, who was wedged in on the other side of me, leaned forward to offer a greeting, but neither of the Myers offered an appropriate pause in their conversation.

In fact, the two of them could have given Duo a run for his money when he was at his garrulous prime. I listened for a while, but when they started discussing their fourth cousin's husband's child's classmate, I had to tune out. I saw that even Duo had taken to staring out at the passing scenery with a blank expression on his face.

When we passed through a tunnel, Duo caught my bored reflection in the window and he offered me a sympathetic grin.

Then he pinched me.

Rather high up and inside, if I had to say.

I pitched forward, curling protectively in on myself. Erin barely reacted to my high-pitched yelp and subsequent movement. She merely patted me lightly on the arm and pushed me back in my seat, so as not to interrupt her line of conversation with her brother.

Duo was completely unrepentant, sitting there, smiling happily to himself all the way to our destination.

The taxi dropped us off at the official entrance to Memorial Park where there was a surprisingly grand archway and large, inscribed obelisk ostensibly making up the "memorial" part of the park's name. The park itself was also bigger than I'd expected. It was almost as big as the one on L1 that Duo and I had visited. I commented on this to Duo and he responded with a tight smile, one that clearly said the park hadn't always been this size. I got the feeling that this was, for him, a similar reminder as that L1 park was for me.

Parks, the colony way of covering up the past, who'd've thought?

Well, actually, if Rue L'internationale was any evidence, it was better to just cover the mess with sod. God only knew why blood stains and scorch marks refused to come out of whatever the hell material they'd made the colonies with.

I scuffed at the turf with the toe of my sandal, just to see.

I was rewarded with a sandal full of dirt.

Duo rolled his eyes, shaking his head, and nudged me toward the Myers. Guess he was telling me to give it up.

Aaron had brought along a traditional picnic basket that was so large I had no idea how I'd failed to notice it at the hotel. He told us, with a faint blush, that "Miss Peacecraft" had arranged for it to be couriered here from Earth with all of her favourite "Date Delicacies".

Ah, fuck.

I mentally steeled myself for an evening of oysters and caviar. If I was lucky, there'd be some grapes. If I was unlucky, those grapes would be sandwiched in with some bizarre-smelling cheeses.

I ought to have told Duo what he was in for, but I opted to use this as retaliation for the pinch in the taxi.

After a short walk, we settled down under a leafy tree, a little away from the orchestra shell and the majority of the people. Aaron spread out two blankets and two sets of "dinners". Looked like this was going to be a "double date" as in, "two separate dates". I was ever so thrilled.

Erin sat down on one blanket and immediately began opening all the tins and plastic containers, ripping apart the baguette into handy "rustic" little chunks, and slicing into the cheeses. When she'd arranged everything to her satisfaction, she looked up at me expectantly and patted the space next to her.

I couldn't help but notice that her hands were almost the same size as mine.

When I hesitated, she grabbed my hand and pulled me down.

Her hands really were the same size as mine. And rougher too.

I smiled (I thought it was a smile) at her and wracked my brain for something to say.

"Here," she waved a piece of bread in my face. "Open up for Mr. Choo-choo train!" she cooed, fluttering her eyelashes as she guided the food towards my mouth.

I stared at the slimy oyster flopped all over it and I had to struggle not to retch.

I might have been of some Japanese descent, but I was actually quite squeamish about raw seafood. It looked gross, smelled even worse, and the texture… don't make me think about the texture…

Why Relena kept trying to make me eat it was completely beyond my comprehension. She knew I hated it, she did. But every chance she got, she'd try to foist some kind of nasty, slippery, mushy, squishy, fishy thing on me. There was always some excuse: it's low in fat; it's high in protein—

"Oh, there's a note for you," Erin said suddenly, putting down the offensive oyster and handing me a pretty cream coloured envelope.

_Oysters are good for Little Heero. Eat it. –Relena_

Contrary to popular thought, oysters were never proven to be an aphrodisiac. The closest scientists had come to explaining this urban myth was that oysters looked vaguely like vaginas.

I didn't want to see Erin Myer's oyster.

And I didn't think Little Heero did either.

I took a moment to ask, just to be sure.

He said no.

While I was talking to my dick, Erin and Aaron seemed to come to a mutual conclusion that we were all missing something fundamental from our Picnic of Looooove and they went off together to purchase it.

Duo hopped over to my blanket, sprawling out and taking over more than the spot Erin had just vacated.

"How's it going?"

I cast a surreptitious glance around me, making sure Aaron and Erin were out of earshot before answering.

"Well, she seems like a nice girl, but… um…"

"If you wanted to date someone who looked like a man, you'd date a man?" He filled in for me. "You want to trade? At least mine's actually a guy."

I stared him down.

"Yeah, okay. I'm not actually sure on that front either and I'd really rather not go in there to verify."

"Are we being shallow?" I asked.

"They don't have sparkling personalities, either," he said with a half-shrug. "Aaron just spent the past five minutes talking to me about Erin."

"His sister, Erin?"

"Yep."

Duo shifted to lean lightly against me. He stared out across the people-dotted lawn, seemingly deep in thought. The orchestra was warming up, children were shrieking with laughter, and lovers were sharing soft, murmured conversations and sweet kisses.

"You think they're weird?"

"Yep," he replied without missing a beat.

"I'm starting to think I don't keep close enough tabs on Relena's social circle."

"I'm inclined to agree," he replied.

We sat in silence for another minute.

"She doesn't have any nice, cute, single friends?" Duo asked.

"Well, most diplomats are well into their fifties and sixties."

Duo suddenly smacked one fist into the other hand. "Peterson Myer!" he exclaimed.

"What?"

"Peterson Myer, the L2 Minister of Tourism. Aaron and Erin must be his kids. I don't know why I didn't see it before, they look just like him!"

"What does his wife look like?" I asked, just to satisfy my morbid curiosity.

He turned to flash me a wicked grin. "Just like him, as a matter of fact. Right down to the mustache."

The two Myers returned just as I was trying not to imagine Erin with facial hair.

"Oh, don't get up," said Aaron as he and his sister traipsed past us. "We'll just take the other blanket."

Duo looked surprised and actually made to offer Erin her spot back.

I managed to snag his pant leg and hold him firmly in place.

Duo definitely deserved some credit for keeping a straight face as I pulled his pants half off. He got bonus points for his discreet method of tugging them back up. All this with a broad smile on his face and only the slightest of blushes staining his cheeks.

"The concert's about to start, I think," Aaron said as he plopped himself onto the other blanket.

Erin nodded and settled herself next to her brother.

If we thought that they were sitting a little too close to each other, neither Duo nor I wanted to mention it.

Halfway through a stunning rendition of Tchaikovsky's "1812 Overture" (complete with fireworks), Duo freaked out.

"Ohmygodohmygodohmygod!" he hissed in a frantic voice.

He was scrabbling at my sleeve, trying to get my attention discreetly, but clearly panicking. He was practically climbing into my lap and I was starting to harbour some concerns about hyperventilation.

"Duo," I tried to hold him still and get his attention, "Duo, breathe. Come on. In. Out. In. Out…" I spoke quietly, trying not to draw attention to our little Situation.

He was still trying to crawl either over me or into me, I wasn't sure, and though he'd managed to start breathing normally again he still seemed a little wide-eyed and distressed.

"I think I saw him touch her ass!" he said, trying valiantly to keep his voice down.

I pulled back to stare at him.

"I think I saw Aaron grope his sister, man!"

I blinked at him.

"I'm serious, Yuy, I didn't mean to look, but I did and there was definite touching! And I mean taking a handful and squeezing!"

I was thankful that the explosive conclusion of the concert covered up Duo's rapidly escalating voice. I only wished it had been loud enough to drown him out completely. If there was one thing I hadn't wanted to hear about my date, it was that she was "involved" with her brother.

"Are you sure?" I asked him, craning my neck to see for myself.

The Myers were sitting awfully close together, Erin tucked firmly against Aaron's side.

And then I saw it too.

He was stroking her ass.

"Holy shit!"

I clapped both hands over my mouth.

My little outburst echoed across the now silent green. Dozens of parents gave me dirty looks. Little children giggled and pointed. Duo was staring at me in wide-eyed shock. And the Myers… the Myers were cuddling on their fluffy little picnic blanket under the big leafy green tree.

As one, Duo and I hurriedly began packing up. We kept exchanging Looks and trying not to laugh out loud at the absurdity of the situation. Making some fake and undoubtedly stilted excuses, we quickly parted ways with the Myers.

Once we were safely ensconced in the cab I quickly phoned one Miss Relena Peacecraft.

"You! Stop setting me up with freaks!"

And then I hung up.

TBC

* * *

AUTHOR'S NOTES

**stylishkiller:** oh, but heero did tell duo that he thinks about men too! it's all in there… :) and really, duo figures it out for himself. ;) I'm glad you like my duo, he is rather good for heero's development, isn't he? ;)

**krow:** I'm happy to hear that you like this fic! I'm all about adorable!heero!

**eternal darkness2:** hah! I've converted you to liking humour fics! ::beams proudly:: thanks for the compliments!

**rude:** yah, I think the pacing of the chapters gets better… maybe the last one will be a little rushed too? hard to say… and yah, I like to make my duo a little different from the majority. ;)

**kochiyami:** heehee! "oddly cute" was exactly what I was going for! yay! and I think everyone wants to know what heero thinks about when he masturbates!

**niote:** thanks!

**silver cateyes:** oblivious boys! what can you do? time for little "love tap" to the head? I think you're right!

**arrghigiveup:** I'm so happy you like the fic! and I'm super glad I made you laugh! hah! :DDD


	5. Chapter 5

Disclaimer: Gundam Wing and its characters belong to Sunrise, Bandai, Sotsu, and probably others I've forgotten to mention. This fic is not for profit, just for fun.

Rating: R (crude language, discussion of sexual situations)  
Genre: fluff, comedy, getting together  
Pairings: 1x2  
Spoilers: well, heero, duo, and relena lived through both wars, okay? :)  
Warning: a little lime-y happi fun magical shower time… :DD

Notes: only one more chapter after this one… I'll be sad to see this fic go! thank yous at the bottom as usual!

beta: trixie

* * *

**NEVER KISSED A GIRL  
**Chapter 5

The L3 setup, as it turned out, was rather nice.

I suspected it was Relena's way of apologizing for the Kissing Cousins… Siblings… whatever of L2.

Both Duo and I got girls this time, and, boy, did they look the part. The red-haired Annelise had this cute flippy haircut and blue-rimmed glasses perched on her tiny nose. Ming had long, shiny black hair, wide brown eyes, and a perfectly bow-shaped mouth. Annelise was shorter and slightly softer, curvier. Ming was tall and taut. We boys almost had to go back upstairs to make sure we were, um, presentable.

Relena's schedule called for dinner and a movie, followed by two hours of "alone time" for each couple.

As it turned out, the four of us were having such a great time together that we ended up just sitting in a jazz club after the movie until three in the morning.

When I finally stumbled into my hotel room (Relena had gotten us separate rooms this time), I noticed a surprising abundance of little pink "While you were Out…" notes scattered all over the floor just inside the door. I picked up a couple.

_10:00pm - Miss Peacecraft called again_

_10:36pm - Miss Peacecraft urgently requests a response_

_11:22pm - Miss Peacecraft called regarding allegations of lewd behaviour (???)_

My heart skipped a beat. She accused me of what? To the desk clerk? Great. Now he was going to think I'd assaulted the Earth Sphere's vaunted virginal Princess Relena.

I didn't feel good.

Then the vid-phone rang.

More than ready to give that wench a piece of my mind, I slammed my hand down on the 'connect' button.

"You basically told the hotel clerk that I raped you!" I blurted out.

Relena rolled her eyes at me.

"Now, Heero, don't be so melodramatic. I merely suggested that you were accountable to me for all the fucking around you did."

"Relena!"

"Oh, it's not like you've never heard me swear. Now, is Annelise asleep? Do you have time to give me all the juicy details? I hear she's very limber."

Her waggling eyebrows almost did me in. The girl was going to kill me, I'd swear on it.

"Annelise isn't here—"

"Heero! You sent her home by herself in the middle of the night? Shame on you, you bastard! You're no gentleman!"

I sputtered a bit, feeling more than a little indignant about this latest of insults on my character.

"She went home directly after the date, bypassing my hotel room, my bed, and my penis. Okay? Duo and I walked both her and Ming to their respective doors and bid them very polite goodnights. We were the epitome of gentility!"

Relena looked skeptical for a moment.

"I'm telling the fucking truth!"

"Okay, okay, don't shout, Heero. You'll bring security."

I whipped around to stare at the door.

She chuckled at me.

"So how was the date then, Heero? It couldn't have been too good if you sent her home…"

"No, no, no. It was great, actually! Annelise and Ming are cute and really nice. We all had a good time. In fact, we were having so much fun, we all went to this club after the movie," I said, hurrying to dispel the myth of my bastardly promiscuity.

"Heero Yuy! You deviated from the mission specs!"

I rolled my eyes at her. She was the one who was "so melodramatic." I wondered if it was all girls, or just ones that had been named Princess or Queen of the Fucking World when they were 16. If all girls were like this, it might just be enough to turn me off heterosexuality forever.

"It wasn't a big deal. It just kind of naturally came about. Weren't you the one who told me I needed to loosen up and not be so literal?" I asked.

"I believe the term I used was 'anal retentive', Heero. Come on. Say it. I want to hear you say 'anal'."

Very, very slowly, I raised my right hand and, when it was within the vid-phone camera's range, I very, very slowly extended my middle finger.

She giggled and clapped her hands with glee. I couldn't believe she was this entertained by me.

And so, just to earn my Entertainer-of-the-Vice-Foreign-Minister title, I launched into the tale of my date. I told her about dinner at the Italian restaurant, where I'd ordered the veal and Duo made such a fuss about baby cows, but when it arrived he ended up eating half of it. I told her about the tiramisu, which was so delicious that Duo and I both ordered seconds. I told her about the movie and sharing this flavoured popcorn with Duo. I told her about Duo's comical impressions of the main character, moon-y eyes, and simpering voice included.

I told her about the stray dog outside the theatre that was so cute Duo bought a bag of dry dog food for it. I really buckled down and used all my wiles. That'd show her that my anecdotal skills didn't need work. If I could be chatty with Duo, dammit, I was determined to be chatty with Relena. I was going to be the fucking Master of storytelling.

Halfway through my tale of Duo and the two skanky old ladies in line at the jazz club, Relena interrupted me: "Hey, Heero, were Annelise and Ming even on the same date as you and Duo?" she asked, a too, too innocent expression on her face.

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"I mean you've been talking about Duo for the past twenty minutes."

I blinked at her.

"This call is costing me a dollar a minute, and I'm not hearing anything useful. As a matter of fact, this whole mission is costing me thousands of dollars, and I'm starting to think it's been a waste of my money! Little Heero isn't getting any more fun than if he'd stayed here and gone to work!"

I felt horribly guilty even though this entire escapade had been her stupid idea. I really had wasted her time and money. I was almost disappointed. Damn that woman for manipulating me this easily!

"Unless!" she suddenly exclaimed, pausing for dramatic effect. "Unless Little Heero has already found someone!"

"Who?" I asked.

"Duo!"

I'd never thought of using the term "gawp" before, but I suspected that my facial expression at this moment constituted "gawping".

"It's brilliant! I can't believe I didn't think about setting you two up before!"

She beamed at me.

"Good night, Heero," she chirped.

And promptly hung up.

"Duo?" I asked the blank vid-screen. "What the hell would my penis want with Duo?"

* * *

Hot water pounded down against my back. The shower stall filled with steam. I leaned into the spray and took a moment to enjoy the heat and pressure. Hot showers were my secret vice. I loved water so hot it turned my skin red. I loved a bathroom so steamy that I could hardly catch my breath. When I was a kid, showers were icy cold things that were simply for maintaining functional efficiency. The first time I had a hot shower, I thought I'd finally discovered true love.

But one could only ruminate on the perfection that was a steamy hot shower for so long.

I shampooed and conditioned my hair.

I soaped up.

And while I was rinsing off, I took Little Heero in hand for our daily "conversation".

I started with long, smooth strokes, just to wake him up a bit. He seemed eager to see me this morning, jumping to the ready. So I closed my eyes and sped up the pace.

My vision today was long-limbed with sleek muscles. He had broad-shoulders, defined pecs, and happy little rosy brown nipples. I ran my thumb over one of them, enjoying the delicious shiver that ran through his body. Pressing up behind him, my cock slid smoothly along the cleft of his tight ass. I ran it gently between those round cheeks, savouring the pre-penetration anticipation. I nudged his entrance with the head of my penis. He didn't need to be stretched; he was always ready for me.

Sliding into him was indescribable. It was just tight enough; it was just hot enough. He bore down and enveloped me completely, inner muscles working me. I had to pause for a second to catch my breath. I held him tight against my chest, running my hands over his hard abs and then reaching lower to fondle his sac. He tightened around me and wrung a gasp from my lips. I drove forward, so desperate to get deeper inside him.

He urged me to move faster, to stroke harder, to touch him, to fuck him. He arched his back and pushed against me, meeting me thrust for thrust and then some. I bit his shoulder to keep from crying out, to God, to Buddha, to whoever had blessed me with this gift of ecstasy. He was different from the others; the taste, the smell, the feel of him, he was special; he was Perfect.

I groaned as I came, pulling him to completion with me.

And as I collapsed against his well-muscled back, I could almost feel the long rope of brown hair tickling my nose.

I jerked upright in the shower stall, my eyes flying open in shock. DUO?

* * *

"You!" I pointed an accusatory finger at the vid-screen. "I hate you!"

"Heero Yuy, just what is so important that you need to call me at 5 am? Do you not understand the concept of time zones?"

"You made me think of Duo while I was jerking off!" I exclaimed.

Relena looked taken aback, but then she started laughing.

I hated when she laughed at me.

This wasn't funny. How was I supposed to face him now?

"Call him and tell him he can't come to L4 with me! Tell him he's not allowed on the penis tour anymore!"

"Now, now, Heero—"

"No, no, no!" I was shaking my head vehemently. "Make him go away," I begged.

"Heero, be reasonable. I can't just call Duo out of the blue and tell him to go away. That's mean. Besides, you invited him on this vacation. If you don't want him there anymore, it's your responsibility to uninvite him."

It was so annoying when she decided to be calm, cool, and rational about things.

"Don't pout, Heero, it's unbecoming."

I scowled at her.

"Heero, wrinkles," she gently chastised me.

We stared at each other in silence for a few minutes.

Finally, she took a deep breath and… grinned at me. The widest, most smug grin I'd ever seen on a "lady" of her stature.

"So it's true!" she gloated. "Little Heero does like Duo!" She cackled with glee.

I glared at her, but I didn't think I could deny it. After all, a quick glance at the clock told me that my Duo fantasy had broken my 5 minute shower rule when nothing else on this ejaculation expedition had.

Shit.

"Okay," I started cautiously, "so what if Little Heero does like Duo. What… I mean how would I go about… doing something about it?" I ended up kind of mumbling into my bathrobe's fluffy collar.

"Well," she said, all excited now, "I'd probably start by getting dressed. But that might be a little too obvious.

TBC

* * *

AUTHOR'S NOTES:

**Death Phoenix:** am updating now! :DD

**priscel:** haha!! you know, I never thought about relena having an ulterior motive, but I bet you're right! she is just getting heero out of her hair so she can spend some time in the "private office"!! :DDD and I'm glad you think my duo is cute! thanks!

eee I can't believe you wrote a review for every chapter!! thanks sooo much!!! I'm so flattered and happy!

**Eternal-Darkness2:** thanks for liking the fic! relena's got some "special" friends. haha!

**Dannee-san:** thanks! I'm glad you like the fic and the style in which I wrote it! it is a bit like Bridget Jones' Diary and all those other british first person novels. it's because I loooove the Shopaholic series, I think I've been influenced by the author's sense of humour and comedic timing. :DD I can only hope to be half as funny as she is!

**Seraphim Grace:** haha!! you know people who've "toured" Europe! that's great!!! :DDD

**Yasei Raiden:** awww!! you don't have to say this is "one of the best", it most certainly isn't that good at all! thanks for liking the fic and my sense of humour! haha! it's good to know I'm not the only one who finds things like being set up with incestuous siblings funny! :D and I'm soooo flattered that you think this fic is somewhat unique! I'm trying very very hard and it's good to know that it's working! :)

**KochiYami:** it's all about the unsuspecting incest! ;) thanks for the review! it gives me the warm fuzzies!

**Patty 40:** thank you for laughing!!! :D

**ms trick:** thank you very much for liking this fic! :D

**Evil Phoebe:** er… thank you, I do try? :D

**Silver Cateyes:** haha! a love "sucker punch" is probably what's going to be needed for these two blockheads! :DD I'm glad you liked this chapter! hope the next (the last) chapter won't disappoint!

**stylishkiller:** aww! a hospital scene! you're right, everybody loves a good hospital scene. unfortunately, that's not going to happen, but maybe in my next fic? we'll see! :DD

**Wolf Girl:** thanks for liking the fic! the oyster fact is, actually, one of my faves. ;)

**Akana Dragon:** oh thank you for liking the pace!!!! ::hugs you:: I'm always so afraid that my stories lag…but then I end up rushing things! and yes, the problem with many a first person pov fic is that redundancy that you mention (where the narrator thinks of something and then says it "out loud"). I'm glad that you think I managed to avoid this pitfall as it's one of my pet peeves as well! thanks for taking the time to comment! :D


	6. Chapter 6

Disclaimer: Gundam Wing and its characters belong to Sunrise, Bandai, Sotsu, and probably others I've forgotten to mention. This fic is not for profit, just for fun.

Rating: R (crude language, discussion of sexual situations)  
Genre: fluff, comedy, getting together  
Pairings: 1x2 by the end!  
Spoilers: well, heero, duo, and relena lived through both wars, okay? :D  
Warning: egregious abuse of stereotypes…again? I'm sorry for the spontaneous melodrama!!! :DD but sorry, no lemon!

beta: trixie

* * *

**NEVER KISSED A GIRL  
Chapter 6**

As I'd been told that I was more than likely incompetent at it, I was given a crash course in wooing by Professor Peacecraft. She assured me that she was well-versed in the matter. Who was I to disagree?

I was Heero Fucking Yuy, that's who.

Give him chocolates, she said. To which Duo responded with a delighted laugh and a cheerful "thanks" but not much more. Who knew that a hockey puck shaped chocolate wasn't romantic?

Give him exotic candies, she said. To which Duo responded with a massive hive break out. Allergies were something that had never really come up during the war.

Compliment him on his appearance, she said. To which Duo responded with a skeptical look and a raised middle finger. How was I supposed to know that "your hair is less frizzy today" was not a compliment?

Buy him flowers, she said. To which Duo responded with a startled yelp and a nightmare about pointy, man-eating plants. The flower lady had told me that Birds of Paradise were manly flowers, but apparently they were a little too manly.

Buy him a balloon bouquet, she said. To which Duo responded by giving them away, one by one, to little kids he met on the street. Endearing, but not the reaction I was aiming for.

Create a romantic setting, she said. Open doors for him, pay for dinner, she said. And I learned that Duo did not like the scent of lavender candles, nor did he suitably appreciate having doors held for him, and that, if you tried to stop him, he'd fight like the dickens to pay the bill. Even in the classiest restaurant on the colony.

Articles of clothing, stuffed animals, fruits, pastries, cookie bouquets, little love notes written on steamy bathroom mirrors, all to no avail!

Then again, perhaps the scarf had been a little bit weird. Relena had said they made sweet gifts, but I hadn't really taken into account the fact that L4 was on its summer cycle.

The plushie bat that reminded me of Deathscythe Hell was, admittedly, not very cute. I mean, it didn't exactly make me want to hug it and snuggle it. I don't know; it seemed like a good idea at the time.

The mangosteen was met with confusion, the baklava devoured too quickly (midnight runs to the drug store were ever so fun), the cookie bouquet was donated to the hotel staff, and the little love notes on the steamy mirror melted away before he had a chance to really see them ("Daoism your friend" was what he'd made of one, and so, after his own shower, he wrote: "Catholicism your father" in response).

And, as to Relena's increasingly bold suggestions, discreetly trying to hold his hand as we were walking home from the theatre got me a black eye and a sprained shoulder. Thought I was a pickpocket. He said.

* * *

Relena answered the phone on the first ring.

"So? Did you hook up yet?" she said by way of greeting.

I rolled my eyes at her. "If this had been your mother calling, you would have been sorry," I said.

She gave me one of her signature haughty looks. "If it had been my mother calling," she said in her affected upper class accent, "I would have been more than sorry, I'd have been shocked dead seeing as Mrs. Peacecraft has been deceased for 24 years."

I stuck my tongue out at her.

"I'm going to tell Mrs. Darlian about this!"

"Go ahead! She'd get a giggle out of it!"

Sighing, I realized, perhaps belatedly, that I was never going to win with Relena. Somehow, the damn girl was always one step ahead of me.

"So? Answer my question! Have you and Duo hooked up yet?" she asked eagerly.

"Well," I paused to think about my situation. "How can I tell if we've hooked up? I mean, what does that mean?"

"Have you had sex?"

"No."

"Have you kissed? Groped each other? Heavy petting?"

"No."

"Held hands?"

"No."

"Then you haven't 'hooked up'. Still just friends," she said in conclusion.

"Maybe we're a little more than friends?" I asked hopefully.

She shook her head, 'no'. "I don't think so," she said.

That was utterly demoralizing.

"But I did all the things we talked about and I still don't think Duo is getting the picture."

I didn't like whining, but I was tired and desperate, and I just wanted him to like me but he wasn't cluing in.

Relena growled in frustration.

"Have you tried pushing him?" she asked, exasperated.

"Pushing?"

"You know, shoving him. In elementary school, the teachers said that if a boy pushed you down on the playground, it was because he liked you."

Well that couldn't be true. Clearly I'd already pushed him down lots and he'd done the same to me. Sports and playful wrestling aside, we'd tried to kill each other more than once. Surely physical contact wasn't a good signifier of liking someone.

I mean, what did that say about my feelings for all those OZ soldiers I'd had to "immobilize"?

And actually, I didn't think I'd touched Duo once since discovering my feelings for him.

I was very, very confused.

"Heero?" Relena interrupted my musings. "What's with that expression on your face?"

"We shove each other around a lot, all the time actually. How will he be able to tell it's because I like him now?"

"Try shoving him onto a bed?" she suggested.

"Ninmu ryokai."

"What? Stop pretending you speak archaic languages, you poser. What did that mean? Heero? Heero!"

I left her on the phone and ran through to the bedroom.

Duo was standing in the doorway, pulling on a hooded sweatshirt.

I basically barreled into him, picked him up and threw him onto the nearest double bed.

He laughed and reached for a pillow to hit me with, but I preempted his attack by jumping on top of him, straddling his hips and grabbing a wrist in each hand to pin him down. I leaned in close, almost nose-to-nose, and I waited.

I could tell he was shocked.

And I could tell the exact moment when he realized I wasn't playing anymore.

"Heero—"

I kissed him.

It wasn't as sexy as I'd imagined. For one thing, he was completely not participating. But it was sweet and it was soft, and I knew that this was what I wanted, what I'd been looking for all this time. It was someone who could be my best friend. It was someone who understood me. It was someone who knew me. It was…Just Right.

Then, when he started kissing me back it was all about the hard, long-limbed, lithe-muscled body beneath me.

I leaned in harder, pushed the kiss farther, deeper, and I didn't think I ever wanted to breathe again.

Duo, though, had to pull back to gasp for air.

Guess I had the superior lung capacity. Go me!

But now I could see an uncertainty in his eyes that baffled me. How could he be so dense? I was blatantly, outright, clear as day, showing him how I felt. What was there to be uncertain about? What was with that look?

"Why did you kiss me, Heero?"

Arg! How could he ask that? How many reasons could I possibly have for kissing him now after ten years of a vague friendship? Could I be anymore obvious? Relena was on crack. This was clearly not working either. At this point I'd have to say that she was not the foremost authority on wooing people.

"Answer my question, Yuy," said Duo, and he repeated himself, slower this time.

"I wanted to. I like you. You feel nice. Like this," I babbled, unsure of how to explain what I was feeling.

Duo rolled his eyes at me and tried to laugh it off. He started trying to buck me off, but I held him firm. Even though he was taller, I would always have body mass over him.

We stared at each other for a minute, maybe two. Eye to eye, nose to nose, and kiss-bruised lips gently parted oh-so-close to the other's.

"I don't want to be a stop on the penis tour, Heero," he said, breaking the silence. "I've already done the free-love thing and now I'm old and cranky. I don't want to be anyone's fuck buddy, or booty call; it's not worth my time and someone always gets hurt. I don't want that someone to be you, and I really don't want that someone to be me. I don't want to change the relationship between us--and believe me, us sleeping together will change it-- because I like the friendship we have now. But most of all, boy-o, I don't want us to have sex just because Relena told you to."

I waited while he caught his breath. There was a lot of information in that little tirade and I needed a moment myself.

"Get off, Heero." He sounded resigned.

I responded by pushing him harder into the bed.

"You wouldn't be a stop on the penis tour. We don't need to sleep together. I'm not looking for a fuck, not right now, not tomorrow, not until we're ready. I want our relationship to change and I've been trying to change it for the past week. Did you not notice me trying to chase you?"

He blinked at me.

"The chocolates, the candies, the compliments the flowers, the balloons, the scented candles, opening doors, paying for dinner, buying you items of clothing, does any of this ring a bell? What did you think I was trying to do?" I asked, frustration colouring my tone of voice.

He blinked at me some more.

I levered myself off him, moving to stand back away from the bed in the process.

"I'm stating right here, right now, I like you, Duo Maxwell, and I would like to pursue a boyfriend-boyfriend relationship with you, hopefully long-term. Do you, or do you not accept?"

I actually stamped my foot.

He appeared to think about it for a minute, sitting up on the bed and straightening his hair to buy himself time.

"Would you still be my friend if I said 'no', Heero?" he asked, peering at me through the curtain of his bangs.

"Yes."

Of this I was Quite Certain.

He gave me a lopsided grin, which I returned easily. We understood each other.

"Let me think about it?"

I nodded, hardly daring to breathe.

And then he walked out of the hotel room.

I was stunned.

And so I gave chase.

I saw the tail end of him (and I couldn't help but smirk at that observation) as he disappeared into the elevator.

By the time I burst into the lobby, he was long gone. Damn that idiot and his speedy little spindly legs.

Well, no, they're quite nice legs, really.

Long.

Good definition.

I kind of wanted to kiss his knees. Ankles?

Let's face it, I wanted to kiss every part of him.

Now if only I could find the bastard.

Figuring he probably wanted to be alone, I exited the hotel and began scanning the streets for the telltale whip of braided hair.

He was actually not that far away.

I found him standing on a pedestrian overpass about a block from the hotel. He was leaning against the railing on folded arms, staring down at the traffic disappearing beneath his feet.

It was a busy road, but a straight one, so cars tended to speed along it. From this angle, it was rather dizzying.

We stood together, shoulder to shoulder for a few minutes, a comfortable silence between us.

"You be blue, I'll be red, first one to 15 wins."

I had resolved to be understanding but firm, flexible but assertive, patient but insistent in the face of his resistance. I ended up just staring at him, complete confusion written all over my face.

He pointed down at the cars passing through. "You count blue, I'll count red. First one to 15 wins."

"What's the prize?" I asked.

He stared at me.

"Oh."

We turned to the road, craning our necks, searching the six-lane highway for our designated colours. He assured me that purple did not count as blue. I told him in no uncertain terms that pink did not count as red. We both resolved not to count decals, stripes, rims and what-not.

"…Twelve…thirteen!" I crowed with glee as I finally managed to tie it up.

"Fourteen," he counted, not a second later.

My knuckles felt tight and sore, I was gripping the rail so hard. My heart was pounding and I wondered if Duo could hear it. I hadn't felt such queasy nervousness since my first time in a mobile suit.

I looked over at Duo and I could see a look of such exhilaration on his face. The idiot was actually enjoying himself! I couldn't believe he was getting such a rush out of this when I was ready to throw up.

Then he grinned at me and I couldn't help but grin back.

"Fourteen!" I screamed, barely stopping myself from jumping up and down and pointing.

Lord only knew what the people driving below would have thought of that.

Then suddenly I wasn't looking at blue cars anymore. Instead, I was lost in a pair of blue, blue eyes. My breath caught, but it didn't matter because Duo was kissing me and that alone would have stolen my breath away in any other situation.

Just a gentle press of his lips to mine and I fairly melted. It was even better than the writhing, grinding, tongue-licking kiss we'd shared in the hotel room.

And when he withdrew, I actually pouted.

Out of the corner of my eye, though, I thought I saw a little maroon sports car zipping off into the distance.

I started to turn to get a better look, but Duo's hand on my cheek kept my eyes on him.

"So," Duo spoke quietly, keeping his lips within easy kissing distance. "How much holiday you got left?"

I touched my lips to his before speaking: "I'm sure I can get another week out of Relena."

"Good."

I nodded. Yes, it was very good indeed.

Four hours later I was able to call Relena and conclusively report that Mission Masturbation Supplementation was successfully completed. And I'd be damned but she really actually wanted details. 

Like as in DETAILS.

Duo elected that moment to give her a visual demonstration.

Relena gave me another two weeks of paid vacation time.

None of us had ever seen Little Heero so happy.

END!

* * *

NOTES:

thank you, EVERYONE, for reading and liking this fic! I never dreamed it would be so well-received! embarrassed I'm amazed and thankful and very very appreciative for all the feedback and comments y'all have given me I only hope the last chapter lived up to expectations :) thank you, thank you, again, everyone :D

**Ashen Skies:** oh I'm glad you think I got Heero's pov! it is really hard to decide how to play him. sometimes you think he'd never do this random quirkiness, but then sometimes you think, well, he's probably quite silly underneath that scowl. :DD but then the comedy comes from his "seriousness", right? (that's conceited of me… haha!) anyways, thanks for liking the pacing (I was worried) and thanks for taking the time to comment!

**stylishkiller:** as you can see, this chapter was all about duo! :D I hope you liked it and that it didn't disappoint! hopefully the melodrama and pseudo-angst wasn't too spontaneously OOC! but I just wanted to throw that bit with the cars in :D I'm glad you liked my characterizations in general! thank you for liking and thank you for commenting on all the chapters! I'm sooo flattered! :DD

**Yasei Raiden:** aww!! I'm glad you like the fic then! :DD hopefully this last chapter didn't disappoint! I'm so happy the previous chapter made you laugh! this fic is all about giving people the giggles! :DD again, thank you so much for reading and taking the time to comment. :)

**priscel:** haha! I'm not evil! fics gotta end some time, right? :DD but honestly, the fic's not that good, so hahaha!! well, I hope you liked the end! :)

**amytiger:** thank you for reading and taking the time to comment! :D

**Silver Cateyes:** Well, I hope this last chapter didn't disappoint! i hope it's not too sudden or too spontaneously fake angsty. :DD I don't know when duo discovered he like heero, but suspect he kind of had it niggling in the back of his mind all along. I mean, I'm pretty sure Little Duo knew what he wanted, just like Little Heero did. ;)

**arrghigiveup:** haha! glad you liked the chapter! making people laugh is what I love! :DD


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